Tuesday, July 03, 2012

Another Long Silence

Another long silence from me and some writer's block. It's partially because I've been traveling and had a lot of friends in town since the end of April. I had a rough time in Papua New Guinea but it was good for me - found some things out about myself and came to some good healthy realizations.  And then I got to see a lot of friends and family which is fantastic - my sister came to visit me for two weeks, my friends Clay and Elli came to visit, I saw a friend from Amsterdam - Jim and then one from MSF - Tirana.... all good. I love having guests and I love having people stay with me in my apartment. But when they leave, I get sad and feel lonely. 

Tomorrow its the 4th of July - America's Independence Day - somehow this is making me homesick. Last year at this time, I had been in Bangkok for less than six months and I was able to pull together a 4th of July barbecue with about 20 people. This year, I know 2 people in town. Everyone else has either moved or is gone. That feels pretty sad.  But that is the nature of this transitory field I'm in and a big city like Bangkok. I can go out and meet people but I am sometimes overwhelmed by trying to make new friends. And social media feels like a crutch sometimes - I can stay in touch with my friends from all over the world but sometimes there is no substitute for just sitting across from someone and chatting. About nothing - about everything - and laughing. Or crying. As need be.

I'm now a consultant which means I work from home which I both love and is making me a little nuts. I love the freedom of not having to put on my "happy face" and go to the office but I miss copy machines and printers and inane chit chat in the hallway! I try to create routines so I am out and about but I get thrown off when I travel.

So two things happened this past week that threw me a bit... I had a big break through in therapy which is scary and exciting but leaves me feeling weak and scared.

And then when things were getting okay, I had the misfortune of seeing a terrible accident. In my apartment building, we have a big swimming pool on the 3rd floor. My balcony looks down on it. I like to come out on the balcony and treat it like my living room. I also like looking over the rail down at any swimmers below. I woke up from a nap on Sunday and saw a bunch of people down on the deck below - many in uniform and almost all of them Thai. At first I thought they were having some sort of ceremony or meeting. Then as I looked at the pool, I noticed a wheelchair lying in the shallow end. I had a horrible feeling about this and remembered this old 91 year old lovely American woman I met when I toured the building back in February of last year. I hope she's okay, I thought. And then my eye caught something else in the pool - her body, floating in the opposite corner facedown. It was such a horrible shock. And the police were all there investigating it but there was nothing anyone could do. And her body stayed there in the pool for over an hour. I have always been kind of sensitive and emotional. And this week I have been feeling even more so than ever. I was overcome by horror and sadness about this horrible lonely death. She was old. Yes. She was going to die eventually. But how terrible for everyone involved.

So... anyway, not feeling like I'm very bouncy or good company right now. But I think things are on the up for me. I'm going to Europe for a month and will get to spend some more time in Paris, a city that I have always loved. I'll see friends in Amsterdam, Berlin, and Hamburg. And then I get to come back to the tropics and live in Asia. So I know that my life is good... I'm grateful for the freedom, the love I have from people around the world, and for being able to live in such a delicious culinary world capitol. And I'll get through this rough patch.

This is meandering but I wanted to put something out there. Hopefully my next post will be about my exploits in Papua New Guinea, seeing my old friend in Ho Chi Minh City, and meeting fabulous French men in Paris. We'll see. xoxox

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